What's up? The Idiot returns. I know I've been away for awhile, but no one reads this anyway... so... there. Good weekend this last one. Two parties/barbecues. Good times. There's nothing quite like a barbecue here. Sun, pool, good food and beer. Makes for a great time.

So, anyways, we had the draft. I went because my brother's an idiot and doesn't know how to read the word, 'Sunday'. This was my first draft and it was a fun one. Beer, good food and all the smack-talking you could handle. I actually had to draft my brother's first four picks for him. I did well. We're actually playing the first week of the season and I'm gonna kill him. Good times.

Where do I start with NASCAR. Kurt Busch got smacked by Jimmy Spencer for driving like an ass. Then, he comes back and wins the race at Bristol. Wow!! Well done Kurt. Seems like no one likes him though. The crowd booed him after he won. Kevin Harvick called him 'Rubberhead' and a butthole. NASCAR is becoming a great quote factory. I'm telling you... you need to watch this. It's turning into a soap opera with gasoline and tires. It's hilarious. Some of the best comedy material around.

News Flash!! News Flash!! I just got to watch a high speed chase on TV. Dumbass. What kind of idiot runs from the cops like that? Dude, you know you're gonna get caught and when you do, they're gonna beat the hell out of you. You think a cop wants to chase your dumb butt like that? You're done when they catch you. Dude's going to get drilled when they take him to the station. Fool.

I'm going to start off this season's football coverage with a little college football preview. I'm only going to talk about two teams though. My two favorite teams, Arizona State and Miami. If you don't like either team or want to hear about another team, too bad. Just kidding. If you want to hear my opinions on any other teams, e-mail me and I'll include them in my next column. By the way... I am somewhat of an expert on football. You'll just have to trust me on this. On to the previews.

I'm starting with the Miami Hurricanes:

First of all, some preseason polls have the 'Canes ranked as low as number five. Why? This has been the best team in college for the last 3 years and nothing is going to change this year. Yeah, Ken Dorsey's gone, yeah Willis McGahee is gone, yeah Andre Johnson is gone. So what? Miami reloads better than Governor Schwarzenegger in any of his movies. Brock Berlin is starting a QB and he's a good one. He almost beat out Rex Grossman at Florida before he transferred. He's gotta be good and he is. Frank Gore will start at HB this year and he might be even better than McGahee. Remember he actually beat out McGahee as the starter last year before he tore his knee to shreds. Upgrade there. The Miami defense will be good as always this year. Maybe even better than last year. What you ask? Well, Jon Vilma is back and he's a monster. Quite possibly the best defensive player on the field every game this year. The only one better might be Sean Taylor. He's their safety and he's just as much of a monster as Vilma. Taylor runs about 6'2, 233lbs and can run like a gazelle. He's Andre Johnson playing safety. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard of a safety as big and fast as Taylor, and he's playing college ball. He will dominate. And then there's K2. Kellen Winslow II. Better than Shockey or any other tight end in college. He might be the best college tight end ever. There is no mismatch like K2 on a linebacker, cornerback or safety. You can't cover him and he catches everything. With him, no one is going to miss Andre Johnson. Nope, not gonna happen. Oh yeah, and then there's Roscoe Parrish. He's a little blur that might be better than Santana Moss was for the 'Canes. Not to mention he has one of the best names ever. Sounds like a stage name. 'Canes will be fighting for the national championship all year despite a killer schedule that includes, Florida State, Florida, Virginia Tech, Pittsburgh, etc. Trust me... they'll be there all year.

Now, on to ASU:

The one thing I don't like about ASU this year is they have high expectations. That never works well with the Devils for some reason. They play better as underdogs. Always have. What can I say though. Andrew Walter is amazing. He can throw a deep ball like no other and the Devils will do that all year. Sean McDonald is gone, but Daryl Lightfoot (D-Light) moves in to his spot. D-Light might actually be better than McDonald. Same speed and quickness, but Lightfoot is a little (just a big) bigger. The running game should improve considering all of ASU's starting linemen and their backups are returning. Depth on the O-Line is about as underrated as it gets and ASU has it. Defense... well... that's a concern. ASU's defense couldn't stop a Pop Warner team last year. Hopefully they'll do better this year. ASU goes as far as it's defense lets them. The O will be there all year, but the D is going to have to someone every once in a while. No one ever won a National Championship playing in 54-48 shootouts all year. Hopefully, ASU's D can step up a bit.

Well, that's as much time as I have today, so I'll leave you with a couple final thoughts.

Drinking Game of the Week:

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

All you need for this one is beer and brain, which sometimes cancel each other out.

Sit in a circle. You go in order. Each person has to say something that has to deal with sex, drugs or rock & roll that starts with the letter 'A'. They have five seconds. If they can't think of something in five seconds they have to drink for five seconds. Everyone has to count while they drink. If someone doesn't count, they have to drink for five seconds. Once you go around the circle on the letter 'A', then you move to the letter 'B' until you've gone through the whole alphabet. Now, here's the fun part. If someone says something that you're not sure if it deals with sex, drugs or rock & roll (trust me it will happen), there is a thing called, The Gay Vote. Anybody can initiate the Gay Vote and it's majority rules. If majority rules that whatever the person said doesn't deal with sex, drugs or rock & roll, that person has to drink for five seconds. It's fun.

Raising my glass today to Arizona's sun and good barbecues. Who can argue with that?

Peace!!
- posted by Andy @ 1:04 PM

 
And I'm back. I'm still working to figure out the format for my NFL previews, but I'm sure I'll figure something out. I'm also sure it will be the best NFL preview ever. Yeah!! This fantasy football thing is turning into a hassle. The draft is supposed to be in-person and on a day that I have a previous engagement. My brother is going to draft for me, so I'll probably have a horrible team. Oh well, it's just for fun anyway.

NASCAR this weekend was pretty good. It was a road course, so, not a lot of passing, but exciting nonetheless. Robby Gordon pulled out his second road course win of the year, sweeping both events. As much as it pains me to admit this, he's turning into a decent driver. I still can't stand his attitude, but he's not half bad when he's into the race. I still don't like him though. Tony Stewart, my boy, didn't do much. He passed about 150 cars and finished 11th. A hard day's work for 11th. Oh well.

So, onto the good stuff...

Another weekend, another trip to the bar. This time we went to a more laid back bar than usual. It's fun though, because you actually get to hear your friends. Although, a couple of them were irritating as hell. Why is it that when someone is doing something to improve their life, they can't shut the hell up about it. They always have to tell you about it, 25,000 times. Did you know I quit smoking? Well, considering you weren't sucking them down like a pro, and the fact that you've already told me 12 times in the last half hour, no I didn't know. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm not going to stop smoking because you all of the sudden don't like the smell of it. Leave me the hell alone!! I also don't want to hear how you've lost 3 pounds in the last two weeks because you cut down from 18 gallons of mayonnaise to 17 gallons of mayo per sandwich. You don't look any different and I don't care. Oh yeah... your ex still hates you.

Nothing gets me going like trying to see someone underage argue their way into a bar with a fake ID. My night is a good night after that. No, I swear I'm wearing contacts, that's why my eyes look brown instead of blue. I'm actually 5'6, but I'm wearing platforms. The bouncer doesn't care, he just wants you to leave him alone.

Which leads me to another point. Is there a bigger power trip than being a bouncer. You are personally responsible for whether that person drinks at that bar that night. This has turned most bouncers into complete pricks. They expect you to give them a handy just for letting you in. Here, let me give you a handy for acknowledging the fact that I'm of age, look like the picture in my driver's license and my eyes are the color they should be. Thanks ass.

Another observation: I have achieved comedic perfection. Any time you can incorporate a picture of Dr. Phil into a joke e-mail, you're golden. That's it. You can't top it. Game over. I achieved this three days ago and frankly, I'm still laughing about it. Dr. Phil is just plain funny.

Raising my glass of beer today for my cousin Missy. She deserves it without explanation.

Drinking Game for the Week:

I don't have one this week. It's okay, hate me. I'm fine with that.

I can't stress this enough. I want to hear from the few people that read this. Let me know if my writing sucks or if I'm actually doing a decent job. You will probably be mentioned in here just for writing me. Hell, I'll even raise my glass of beer to whoever e-mails me first. I haven't received one response yet. Do it, damnit!!

I'm out!!
- posted by Andy @ 12:45 PM

 
So I lied... I didn't come back by the end of the week. Oh well. I've scrapped the reviews idea. Too many people do that and I haven't seen enough stuff lately to make any groundbreaking comments. So basically, since I'm not going to bring anything to the table, I'm just going to stay away. What I am going to talk about today are some observations I've made over the last week. Of course, what else would I do? I'd like to start off by saying that Olde English is the nastiest beer ever. I will never ever, ever never raise a glass of that again. Bad experience this weekend.

I will soon be joining my first ever Fantasy Football League. I wasn't really big into these fantasy leagues and I'm still not. It's more of something to pass the time. It's amazing how into these things people get though. The league hasn't even started, we haven't had a draft or anything and already the people in the league are shit-talking. What? Dude, you don't even have a team yet, calm down.

Another really exciting NASCAR race this weekend. What a shame for my boy Tony Stewart. Dominated the entire race, but couldn't bring it home. Damn. He wanted it so bad. I'm telling you, if you're not watching this stuff, you're missing out on the most exciting sport going right now. More sports stuff. Arizona State University is ranked #23 in the preseason polls!! Yeah!!!! I haven't been this excited about ASU football in a long time. Normally they just disappoint me and I have to watch damned OU play with my boy Okie. Oh well, not this year. ASU!! ASU!!

My NFL previews are still coming and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do it yet, but trust me... it'll be worth reading.

Alright kids, now it's time for some humor.

On your 21st birthday, you have a get out of jail free card. You're allowed to do anything and nobody can get pissed at you. Nobody. It should be state law.

If by chance I have any female readers out there, listen to me on this one. Guys will say anything to you at a bar to try to get in your pants. Some jackhole told a friend of mine (female) that his cousin was the Ultimate Fighting Champion to try to get her to give him her number. She bought it, but didn't give her number. Dude... come on... how many times do you need to hear someone's a baseball player/football player/race car driver/rock star/actor to realize that most guys are full of it. Think for a second ladies.

That's it for today.

I'm raising my glass for my boy Boof turning 21 and being all growns up.

Drinking Game for the Week:

Century Club

100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. Chances are you won't finish. Actually, don't even try. It hurts.

Oh yeah... by the way... if you read this... e-mail me and let me know what you think. Thanks!!


- posted by Andy @ 1:02 PM