What's up? The Idiot returns. I know I've been away for awhile, but no one reads this anyway... so... there. Good weekend this last one. Two parties/barbecues. Good times. There's nothing quite like a barbecue here. Sun, pool, good food and beer. Makes for a great time.

So, anyways, we had the draft. I went because my brother's an idiot and doesn't know how to read the word, 'Sunday'. This was my first draft and it was a fun one. Beer, good food and all the smack-talking you could handle. I actually had to draft my brother's first four picks for him. I did well. We're actually playing the first week of the season and I'm gonna kill him. Good times.

Where do I start with NASCAR. Kurt Busch got smacked by Jimmy Spencer for driving like an ass. Then, he comes back and wins the race at Bristol. Wow!! Well done Kurt. Seems like no one likes him though. The crowd booed him after he won. Kevin Harvick called him 'Rubberhead' and a butthole. NASCAR is becoming a great quote factory. I'm telling you... you need to watch this. It's turning into a soap opera with gasoline and tires. It's hilarious. Some of the best comedy material around.

News Flash!! News Flash!! I just got to watch a high speed chase on TV. Dumbass. What kind of idiot runs from the cops like that? Dude, you know you're gonna get caught and when you do, they're gonna beat the hell out of you. You think a cop wants to chase your dumb butt like that? You're done when they catch you. Dude's going to get drilled when they take him to the station. Fool.

I'm going to start off this season's football coverage with a little college football preview. I'm only going to talk about two teams though. My two favorite teams, Arizona State and Miami. If you don't like either team or want to hear about another team, too bad. Just kidding. If you want to hear my opinions on any other teams, e-mail me and I'll include them in my next column. By the way... I am somewhat of an expert on football. You'll just have to trust me on this. On to the previews.

I'm starting with the Miami Hurricanes:

First of all, some preseason polls have the 'Canes ranked as low as number five. Why? This has been the best team in college for the last 3 years and nothing is going to change this year. Yeah, Ken Dorsey's gone, yeah Willis McGahee is gone, yeah Andre Johnson is gone. So what? Miami reloads better than Governor Schwarzenegger in any of his movies. Brock Berlin is starting a QB and he's a good one. He almost beat out Rex Grossman at Florida before he transferred. He's gotta be good and he is. Frank Gore will start at HB this year and he might be even better than McGahee. Remember he actually beat out McGahee as the starter last year before he tore his knee to shreds. Upgrade there. The Miami defense will be good as always this year. Maybe even better than last year. What you ask? Well, Jon Vilma is back and he's a monster. Quite possibly the best defensive player on the field every game this year. The only one better might be Sean Taylor. He's their safety and he's just as much of a monster as Vilma. Taylor runs about 6'2, 233lbs and can run like a gazelle. He's Andre Johnson playing safety. Wow. I don't think I've ever heard of a safety as big and fast as Taylor, and he's playing college ball. He will dominate. And then there's K2. Kellen Winslow II. Better than Shockey or any other tight end in college. He might be the best college tight end ever. There is no mismatch like K2 on a linebacker, cornerback or safety. You can't cover him and he catches everything. With him, no one is going to miss Andre Johnson. Nope, not gonna happen. Oh yeah, and then there's Roscoe Parrish. He's a little blur that might be better than Santana Moss was for the 'Canes. Not to mention he has one of the best names ever. Sounds like a stage name. 'Canes will be fighting for the national championship all year despite a killer schedule that includes, Florida State, Florida, Virginia Tech, Pittsburgh, etc. Trust me... they'll be there all year.

Now, on to ASU:

The one thing I don't like about ASU this year is they have high expectations. That never works well with the Devils for some reason. They play better as underdogs. Always have. What can I say though. Andrew Walter is amazing. He can throw a deep ball like no other and the Devils will do that all year. Sean McDonald is gone, but Daryl Lightfoot (D-Light) moves in to his spot. D-Light might actually be better than McDonald. Same speed and quickness, but Lightfoot is a little (just a big) bigger. The running game should improve considering all of ASU's starting linemen and their backups are returning. Depth on the O-Line is about as underrated as it gets and ASU has it. Defense... well... that's a concern. ASU's defense couldn't stop a Pop Warner team last year. Hopefully they'll do better this year. ASU goes as far as it's defense lets them. The O will be there all year, but the D is going to have to someone every once in a while. No one ever won a National Championship playing in 54-48 shootouts all year. Hopefully, ASU's D can step up a bit.

Well, that's as much time as I have today, so I'll leave you with a couple final thoughts.

Drinking Game of the Week:

Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

All you need for this one is beer and brain, which sometimes cancel each other out.

Sit in a circle. You go in order. Each person has to say something that has to deal with sex, drugs or rock & roll that starts with the letter 'A'. They have five seconds. If they can't think of something in five seconds they have to drink for five seconds. Everyone has to count while they drink. If someone doesn't count, they have to drink for five seconds. Once you go around the circle on the letter 'A', then you move to the letter 'B' until you've gone through the whole alphabet. Now, here's the fun part. If someone says something that you're not sure if it deals with sex, drugs or rock & roll (trust me it will happen), there is a thing called, The Gay Vote. Anybody can initiate the Gay Vote and it's majority rules. If majority rules that whatever the person said doesn't deal with sex, drugs or rock & roll, that person has to drink for five seconds. It's fun.

Raising my glass today to Arizona's sun and good barbecues. Who can argue with that?

Peace!!
- posted by Andy @ 1:04 PM

 
And I'm back. I'm still working to figure out the format for my NFL previews, but I'm sure I'll figure something out. I'm also sure it will be the best NFL preview ever. Yeah!! This fantasy football thing is turning into a hassle. The draft is supposed to be in-person and on a day that I have a previous engagement. My brother is going to draft for me, so I'll probably have a horrible team. Oh well, it's just for fun anyway.

NASCAR this weekend was pretty good. It was a road course, so, not a lot of passing, but exciting nonetheless. Robby Gordon pulled out his second road course win of the year, sweeping both events. As much as it pains me to admit this, he's turning into a decent driver. I still can't stand his attitude, but he's not half bad when he's into the race. I still don't like him though. Tony Stewart, my boy, didn't do much. He passed about 150 cars and finished 11th. A hard day's work for 11th. Oh well.

So, onto the good stuff...

Another weekend, another trip to the bar. This time we went to a more laid back bar than usual. It's fun though, because you actually get to hear your friends. Although, a couple of them were irritating as hell. Why is it that when someone is doing something to improve their life, they can't shut the hell up about it. They always have to tell you about it, 25,000 times. Did you know I quit smoking? Well, considering you weren't sucking them down like a pro, and the fact that you've already told me 12 times in the last half hour, no I didn't know. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm not going to stop smoking because you all of the sudden don't like the smell of it. Leave me the hell alone!! I also don't want to hear how you've lost 3 pounds in the last two weeks because you cut down from 18 gallons of mayonnaise to 17 gallons of mayo per sandwich. You don't look any different and I don't care. Oh yeah... your ex still hates you.

Nothing gets me going like trying to see someone underage argue their way into a bar with a fake ID. My night is a good night after that. No, I swear I'm wearing contacts, that's why my eyes look brown instead of blue. I'm actually 5'6, but I'm wearing platforms. The bouncer doesn't care, he just wants you to leave him alone.

Which leads me to another point. Is there a bigger power trip than being a bouncer. You are personally responsible for whether that person drinks at that bar that night. This has turned most bouncers into complete pricks. They expect you to give them a handy just for letting you in. Here, let me give you a handy for acknowledging the fact that I'm of age, look like the picture in my driver's license and my eyes are the color they should be. Thanks ass.

Another observation: I have achieved comedic perfection. Any time you can incorporate a picture of Dr. Phil into a joke e-mail, you're golden. That's it. You can't top it. Game over. I achieved this three days ago and frankly, I'm still laughing about it. Dr. Phil is just plain funny.

Raising my glass of beer today for my cousin Missy. She deserves it without explanation.

Drinking Game for the Week:

I don't have one this week. It's okay, hate me. I'm fine with that.

I can't stress this enough. I want to hear from the few people that read this. Let me know if my writing sucks or if I'm actually doing a decent job. You will probably be mentioned in here just for writing me. Hell, I'll even raise my glass of beer to whoever e-mails me first. I haven't received one response yet. Do it, damnit!!

I'm out!!
- posted by Andy @ 12:45 PM

 
So I lied... I didn't come back by the end of the week. Oh well. I've scrapped the reviews idea. Too many people do that and I haven't seen enough stuff lately to make any groundbreaking comments. So basically, since I'm not going to bring anything to the table, I'm just going to stay away. What I am going to talk about today are some observations I've made over the last week. Of course, what else would I do? I'd like to start off by saying that Olde English is the nastiest beer ever. I will never ever, ever never raise a glass of that again. Bad experience this weekend.

I will soon be joining my first ever Fantasy Football League. I wasn't really big into these fantasy leagues and I'm still not. It's more of something to pass the time. It's amazing how into these things people get though. The league hasn't even started, we haven't had a draft or anything and already the people in the league are shit-talking. What? Dude, you don't even have a team yet, calm down.

Another really exciting NASCAR race this weekend. What a shame for my boy Tony Stewart. Dominated the entire race, but couldn't bring it home. Damn. He wanted it so bad. I'm telling you, if you're not watching this stuff, you're missing out on the most exciting sport going right now. More sports stuff. Arizona State University is ranked #23 in the preseason polls!! Yeah!!!! I haven't been this excited about ASU football in a long time. Normally they just disappoint me and I have to watch damned OU play with my boy Okie. Oh well, not this year. ASU!! ASU!!

My NFL previews are still coming and I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to do it yet, but trust me... it'll be worth reading.

Alright kids, now it's time for some humor.

On your 21st birthday, you have a get out of jail free card. You're allowed to do anything and nobody can get pissed at you. Nobody. It should be state law.

If by chance I have any female readers out there, listen to me on this one. Guys will say anything to you at a bar to try to get in your pants. Some jackhole told a friend of mine (female) that his cousin was the Ultimate Fighting Champion to try to get her to give him her number. She bought it, but didn't give her number. Dude... come on... how many times do you need to hear someone's a baseball player/football player/race car driver/rock star/actor to realize that most guys are full of it. Think for a second ladies.

That's it for today.

I'm raising my glass for my boy Boof turning 21 and being all growns up.

Drinking Game for the Week:

Century Club

100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. Chances are you won't finish. Actually, don't even try. It hurts.

Oh yeah... by the way... if you read this... e-mail me and let me know what you think. Thanks!!


- posted by Andy @ 1:02 PM

 
Well well well... I'm back again. No fun stories from Drunk Bowling unfortunately. Although in the time that I've been gone, I've made a number of different observations. Some of them I will share now, others are a different story for a different time. I'd like to start out with a little commentary on Kobe Bryant. What a dumbass. Filthy rich, one of the best ballers out there, sick hot wife, and now he's up for rape. Whether he did it or not, he put himself in the situation by throwing down with the concierge at his hotel who happened to be 19 y/o. Granted, he probably thought nothing of it, but damn Kobe, think for a second. He just cost himself millions over some 19 year old head-case of a broad. Well done Kobe, well done.

Kids, if you aren't watching NASCAR every weekend, I suggest you do. If you have any questions about it, I'm free to answer them. Watching NASCAR has always been one of my favorite things to do on a Sunday morning, but it keeps getting better. Man, two kids, 24 & 25 years old (I make it sound like I'm old but I'm the same age as them) battling it out at the end of a race puts a hop in my step every time. Even though my man Smoke can't catch a break, it becoming the most exciting sport out there. If you're not watching now, you will be in 3 years, trust me. Get on while there's still a few seats left on the bandwagon.

Football season is almost here which means it is almost time for my very first season preview. Just wait. It'll be great (said with a Scottish accent).

I'm going to leave you for today but I swear I'm coming back by the end of the week to give you my latest TV & movie reviews.

Raising my glass today to Ryan Newman for winning at Pocono.

Drinking Game of the Week - TV Show Meet My Folks:

This one can get you drunk real quick. Here's how it works.

Every time someone says a dirty fact revealed about them isn't true - 1 drink

Every time the son/daughter being pursued makes out with one of the pursuers - 2 drinks

Every time the doorbell rings or the fax machine goes off - 1 shot

Every time the mom/dad gives someone a dirty look - 1 drink

Every time a cast member cries - Pound a beer

If you've ever watched the show, you know. It could get ugly.

On that note... I'm out!!
- posted by Andy @ 11:14 AM

 
Alright kids... after an extended leave of absence, I'm back. I know I said that I would give a play by play of my 4th of July weekend, but that fell through. See there's a little thing called recovery time and the fact that I don't remember much of it. I do remember drinking a lot, getting mildly sunburnt, eating really bad food and I think there was a Frank the Tank sighting. Last weekend was more of the same. I don't really have any gems of wisdom this week, but I just thought I'd write in and make sure all three readers didn't think I died or anything. I'm still here. We're off to do a little Drunk Bowling this evening for a friend's birthday. It should be fun. There's nothing quite like Drunk Bowling. Hopefully I'll have some stories to share from that.

So on that note, I'll raise a beer tonight to my friend's birthday.

Drinking Game for the Week - Horseshoes:

This one is an easy one kids.

You can play with teams, 4 people all against each other, whatever. It doesn't matter.

Each person gets to throw a shoe. The point value from horseshoes still applies.

1 pt - Within a shoe's length of the stake
2 pts - Leaning against the stake
3 pts - Horseshoe lands with the stake in the middle of it, a Ringer

Instead of points though, the thrower assigns that number of drinks.

Each person throws and, if possible, you have the option to knock out someone's previous throw. That way they can't give drinks!!!

You can still keep track of points if you want, and have the last person to get to 21 pound a whole beer.

Happy throwing and thanks for coming from the Raging Idiot!!


- posted by Andy @ 1:00 PM

 
The Raging Idiot is going to bless you with some random thoughts today...


Anyone who gets drunk and then forms their sentences like Yoda is good to have around. Trust me.

Any conversation that includes a Burt Reynolds reference of any kind is my favorite conversation of the today.

If I have a conversation with someone who talks like Yoda and it includes a Burt Reynolds reference, I'm flying to Vegas, becuase Lady Luck just gave me a lap dance.

Drinking Game for Monday:
Watch 'For Love or Money'
Every time the 'star', Rob, says "You look good/nice/pretty" or "I like your dress" take a shot.
Every time one of the girls mentions the phraise 'Fairy Tale', take a shot.
Every time Paige screams or cries, pound a beer.
You'll be drunk in no time.

Speaking of the show 'For Love or Money', the only reason it's entertaining at all is Rob. He has the intelligence of a garden snail and almost always sounds like he's still in 7th grade. Check it out. Comedy like you've never seen.

You heard it here first, Claudia DiFolco, SuperVixen. Remember where you heard it first. Right here.

It's definitely not appropriate to sing the Bloodhound Gang song, 'A Lap Dance is so Much Better When the Stripper is Crying', in a strip club.

Robby Gordon is the dumbest and most arrogant driver in NASCAR and Kevin Harvick is the hockey goon of NASCAR. Bad move Robby.

I've got July 28th in the office pool for when resident tumor Carl Everett and one or more of the drunk White Sox fans get in a brawl on the field.

The drunk White Sox fan/s will get enough punishment without jail time.

It's amazing that the Diamondbacks won 12 games in a row and it didn't mean a damn thing. Baseball.

I don't think there's a bigger ego boost than getting hit on in a bar, directly in front of your girlfriend.

Christina Aguilera and Brittney Spears are only one bad record away from Playboy or worse. Can we start an Internet petition?

Is there any bigger mystery in life than where porn stars come from? If I was a cable network executive, I would start a reality show to try to find this out. It would be a ratings bonanza.


That's all the Idiot has for today. Make sure to check here next week for the play-by-play from my 4th of July weekend.

I'll raise a beer to the stars & stripes.


- posted by Andy @ 4:47 PM

 
Hello once again from the Raging Idiot. I come to you today, disgusted by recent events in the city of Phoenix, my home town. If you haven't already heard, there are some issues going around with Bishop O'Brien, of Phoenix. Apparently, he wants to go to jail, badly. About 2 weeks ago, he recently admitted, I repeat, HE ADMITTED, that he transferred priests to other churches when he found they molested children. He knew these priests were getting jiggy with kids and he transferred them to different churches with new unsuspecting crops of kids. That alone, should be jail time and some special molesting of his own. No. Apparently, our attorney general decided that he would let O'Brien off, if he relinquished some of his authority. Which, being the smart man that he is, O'Brien agreed to, and spared his hind quarters some prison loving. However, just two weeks after this, he is in trouble again.

Apparently, O'Brien was driving down a road, when he nailed a pedestrian who was jaywalking, with his Buick. Instead of stopping to check on the poor guy, he drove off, Hit 'n Run style. Another car hit the guy also, and drove off. O'Brien made it home with a windshield that was caved in to the tune of 6 feet, 235 lbs worth of person. The cops traced it back to him, luckily and quickly. You see, O'Brien, being the good bishop that he is, decided he needed to get his windshield fixed, like any responsible motorist with a cracked windshield would. This would cover up the evidence of the large guy that hit his windshield. When contacted by the cops, O'Briend said he thought he hit a rock or maybe a dog. Excuse me? A rock or maybe a dog? That's the worst lie I've heard since, well, I don't think I've heard a lie that bad. So now, Bishop O'Brien is sitting in the pokey waiting for his trial.

Now, why would someone, especially a bishop, flee the scene of an accident that killed a man. Was he drunk? On some drugs? Maybe he was also drunk when he let his priests fondle kids. This guy is a real piece of work.

However, the real honorary idiots, are the citizens of Phoenix. Numerous average citizens went on the local news and pledged their support for the embattled bishop. Yes, they pledged their support for this disgusting human being. Basically, what this tells me is that there are residents of Phoenix that support killing pedestrians and fleeing the scene, molesting kids, withholding information from police and trying to cover up evidence of a crime. Oh yeah, considering there is a strong possibility that the priest was drunk when he hit the pedestrian, they also apparently support drunk driving. HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT THESE THINGS? Are the residents of Phoenix that dumb? I guess so.

The Catholic church has had a black eye since it came out that priests were getting frisky with kids, but this is much worse. The antics of Bishop O'Brien are not going to require a little time and an ice pack to heal. This is going to require complete and total facial reconstructive surgery to fix. The Pope better get out his scalpel and morphine, because this one is not going away easy.

And I'll raise a beer to the hopes that our brilliant attorney general throws the book at O'Brien. This is one man that deserves it.



The Raging Idiot

- posted by Andy @ 1:11 PM